Today is Monday, November 4th, maybe not a very significant date to many, but in this household it's a special one. My husband and I got married 11 years ago, on an actual Monday just like today. Since we both, for the most part, work from home, "eat out" from home, make big decisions from home, make bigger mistakes from home... it's a lot happening in a small space. We become like a city planner's nightmare, or a 4-year-old's ideal toy car setup. Two crucial roadways, but with complicated roundabouts, confusing intersections with blinking traffic lights, very little signage before an exit - designed for collisions. Sometimes we're cruising past each other at high speeds, trying to get to our individual destinations but for the greater causeway. Sometimes we're going in the same direction trying to accomplish the same thing together, but going our own speed and routes. Sometimes we're in the same lane headed straight towards each other, but looking the other way... or we're looking at each other while racing towards the same thing! You should see us swan dive and slide towards a single phone charger. They're going extinct in our house.
When we're stressed, we essentially become two defective roombas, silently whirling tightly around the house, sucking up digestible scraps, spitting out the clunky stuff, getting stuck in corners, and bumping into chair legs. So yeah... it was no surprise we both completely forgot it was our anniversary.
After 11 years of marriage, and even more if you count the bright-eyed, bouncy years of dating before then, what has been the key to us staying in it is that we do not worry about our messy roadway, and all the collisions behind us. It's inevitable. It's the fact that we still know when to slam the brakes. Even in the occasional hit-and-runs, where we don't have time to address the messy wreck. We actually do eventually stop. We don't run. We know to stop and make sure the other one is okay. Like a pit crew - oil check, fuel check, are there any flickering dash lights? If so, what do they mean? We stop to reevaluate our vehicles, our roads, and how to redesign them. We stop to see what is causing the most traffic, what can we add or take away to get us moving smoothly again? My favorite marriage and relationship therapist, Esther Perel, says "Most people are going to have two or three marriages or committed relationships in their adult life. Some of us will have them with the same person." I definitely agree and think it's important to keep up with the latest model of each other. Update!
Most importantly stop to ask the simple question, "where are we trying to go." No matter how messy traffic has gotten and how many crashes there have been, we always conclude we still want to go to the same places, and we want to do it together.
To celebrate our anniversary, which we forgot about, last night we had dinner with my husband's parents. They made bigos, a traditional Polish cabbage dish brewed in spices, meat, and sauerkraut. A stew that sticks to your ribs the same way it sticks to the bottom of the pot. The accidental coincidence was that this was served on our wedding day. My mother-in-law remembers starting the bigos three days before the event in a LARGE steel pot that my neighbors from my childhood lent her. Everyone then took turns stirring the bigos in the days preceding. My mom, my oldest brother, my dad, my neighbors had a turn, and my uncle was also very diligent, "had to" taste it every thirty minutes to make sure it was okay. It truly became a bottomless pot; every day as it brewed and cooked down, it just got deeper and richer. It was not only the best-tasting bigos ever, but it was also symbolic of the combining of our worlds.
A reminder that a marriage is way beyond two people. You build a whole new culture together and flavor profile. In this case several very distinct fragrant cities and spicy cultures, and combine them. Into one big melting steel pot. New Orleans roux, meets Polish meats, Hawaiian salt, Seattle herbs, and Cape Cod brine. Making a couple less like two roads and more like one bridge.
Then cut to 4 am, at the broken heels of our wedding reception, we are all hanging over the steel pot. Foregoing bowls or eating utensils, hovered over the rim like a bunch of inebriated witches over a cauldron. Nearly falling into the bottomless pot, because much like the night, there seems to be no end.
This week, let's focus on not dwelling on our messy causeways. Ignore that inner voice telling you, "it's too late... it's too messy... you've waited too long." At any point, it's okay to stop and do something about it. Let the world wait, the streets be empty, and the traffic lights be swinging in the wind (in our case, drop the little one off with the grandparents), while you get what you need to refuel. This might mean putting meetings on hold to schedule that therapy session, or putting your phone on silent for the 50 minutes you're in the Pilates studio. That small pause for yourself is essential for both your mental and physical health and spills over into all the important relationships in your melting pot.
As our 6yr old so simply puts it in our anniversary card, you know the anniversary we forgot about...
"I love you when you love each other...but the most thing I love is our family."
Excited to make your bodies sweat, smile, and stop your engines to both celebrate and reset all the paths you paved!!
... also remember to VOTE!
XO,
Celeste
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